Tested

Take Away The Pain

Tears ran freely down my checks defying my repetitive command "I will not cry" as I read the book  The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein to my grandson. I had been fine when I started reading the book about a tree who initially gives of itself to a boy in return for companionship. As the boy grows up and throughout his life, he returns to the tree with more needs. The tree complies by supplying the wood until the tree is reduced to a stump.

As the now old man approaches the tree, it replies "I can't help you -- I've given you everything."

My voice had started cracking half-way through the book, but when I read that line, my long-surpressed sorrow over the life I once had materialized as tears that demanded to be acknowledged.

A life when I was married, lived in a house, had a full-time job as a competent legal secretary. A time when four chairs were required at the table instead of one.

Shame reminds me I am now on Social Security Disability -- a fact which causes me pain. Something not understood by my able-bodied friends.

My grandson turns in my lap to see the tears streaming down my face and his expression changes to that of concern. His four-year-old heart recognizes the pain on my face. He takes the book from me and retrieves an alternative one. I compose myself reassuring him that I'm ok.

I am reminded of a message from my pastor that my struggles have a purpose and my pain has an end.

Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him. 1st Corinthians 7:17, ESV

Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. Matthew 18:18

Beloved Father, thank you that you are aware of every tear I shed. Thank you that you have mapped my course and directed my steps. By the power of the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth and the power of the Blood of the Lamb, I bind pain, loss, sorrow, loneliness, fear and anxiety while loosening your peace, comfort, love, unity, compassion, happiness and fruition of all the good plans you have for me. Amen.


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